Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been super inactive this year. I’m back now, I think.
holly-reads asked:
📝
Once, in Kindergarten, we were making these butterflies and they had these really dumb heads with like smiley faces and shit and I was like butterflies don’t look like that you idiots so I didn’t glue it onto the page and instead I threw it into the garbage but then my “friend” tattled on me and the teacher made me fish it out of the trash can and glue it back on. I was traumatized.
i want someone to sleep next to me at night and put their around me and not expect anything but to sleep. i want to wake up with a smile and warmth against my back and someone there to ward the demons off when they come to weigh me down like they do every morning.
i want someone to hold my hand when it starts to shake and press against my side when i feel like i’m about to topple over. i want to tell someone it hurts, it sucks, i can’t do this anymore, i feel like i’m dead already, and trust them enough that my throat won’t lock up when i try. i want them to smile or laugh or cry with me and hold me together as i’m falling apart.
i want someone to joke with and have fun with and cling to when everyone else has left me for another. i want someone i don’t have to worry about losing because friends get boyfriends but girlfriends don’t.
i want to call at five am when i’m sitting on the edge of the bathtub and i want someone to understand, to stay on the phone, to tell me that it sucks and it may never get better but i don’t have to go through it all alone.
i want to not want anything more than an arm around my waist and a hand in my hand and i want that to be okay, to not feel like i’m denying them something they want themselves. i want to not really like to kiss them but maybe just on occasion and have that be okay. i want to not be the one to initiate a kiss if it happens and have that be okay.
i want to sometimes not be able to get out of bed to see them and have that be okay. i want to sometimes not be able to respond to their texts or make meaningless small talk or pretend i’m having a good enough day to smile and i want them to understand that it’s not them, it’s not me, it’s this monster of a disease wrenching my heart from my chest and smashing it back in just as painfully.
i want comfort and love that isn’t conditional of something so physical and i want there to be no expectations of something more than i can give.
maybe i want too much.
Sorry I haven’t really been on in the past month. I was very focused on writing for the YouTube fandom (check out my works here) and also the school year starting. I’ll try to get some writing done for this fandom in the next couple weeks here since I still have a lot of prompts left to fill and things to update and that 146 Things To Do Besides Self-Harm drabble series.
Love you all <3
Lyrics Tag
Yo, I was tagged by tcssagray to do the lyrics tag. So here goes!
Rules: put your music on shuffle, write the first ten songs that come on and write your favourite lyrics from them
1. Panic! At The Disco - Hallelujah: No one wants you when you have no heart and I’m sitting pretty in my brand new scars and you’ll never know if you don’t ever try again.
2. Zella Day - Shadow Preachers: You want a minute, I’ll give you more. Maybe I don’t want you either. We’re both unsettled, nighttime creatures.
3. 5SOS - She’s Kinda Hot: They say we’re losers and we’re alright with that. We are the leaders of the not-coming-back’s…We are the kings and the queens of the new broken scene.
4. Young The Giant - Cough Syrup: These zombies in the park they’re looking for my heart, oh. A dark world aches for a splash of the sun.
5. Zedd Feat. Troye Sivan - Papercut: Right now I don’t know why I love you, but by the morning when we wake up I’ll reach for you and remember it was just a paper, just a papercut.
6. Troye Sivan - We’re My OTP: I’ll love you always, I’ll love you 5ever. I’ll love you as much as I love Nutella… almost.
7. Shawn Mendes - Stitches: You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe, shaking, falling onto my knees.
8. The Fray - How To Save A Life: Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.
9. Keaton Henson - You: If you must fight, fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night. If you must live, darling one, just live.
10. Barcelona - Get Up: My head is dizzy now, I thought we’d overcome. We might not make it home tonight.
I’ll tag bookwild, oquinn53, alecgaydeon, ragnorsantiago and infernalandmortal, as well as anyone else who’d like to give it a go! Enjoy <3
you ask me if i’m tired, if i’ve been sleeping, and the lie is i got too caught up with working, with studying, with reading. the bags under my eyes are from hours behind a computer screen doing nothing of any importance, that’s all. they didn’t come from tossing and turning in a bed in a room in a cage and jumping at every sound because, secretly, i’m still afraid of the dark.
you ask me why i’ve got a headache and the lie is it’s from too much time spent on my phone, my laptop, the game console. the throbbing at every inch of my brain is just from being part of the internet youth generation, really. it didn’t come from silently screaming at myself to get up, get over it, or from crying myself to fitful slumber full of nightmares i won’t remember anything of but the feelings they gave me because- because it’s always just the feelings, isn’t it? i never know the cause. everything’s the cause.
you ask me if i’ve eaten or if i’m dehydrated or if i’ve been getting out enough and the lie is of course, i’m just tired. the door between me and the rest of the world is only closed because i’m resting or i’ve spent all day doing things and this is the first break i’ve taken. it isn’t to keep away everything that makes me feel like i’m choking on my own breath or drowning in my own tears and it’s definitely not because, most days, i can’t get up to open it.
you ask me why i haven’t called or responded to your text and the lie is i’m sorry, i didn’t get it or i’ve just been so busy. the truth is i did see your text and i did think to call but the second my fingers were hovering over the screen i had to put it down because i didn’t know what to say. the truth is i want to tell you everything i’m feeling but i feel like you’ll either not care or then be the one who doesn’t have any words.
the lie is when you say i can tell you anything because i don’t know how to scream I’M NOTHING.
